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Harry Watson is Hopeless at Phone Sex

BBC Sherlock

Spoilers: none

Rating 12 (historical weirdness)

Summary: Indulgent historian's fluff with Dr Harriet Watson on the phone to Molly.

"Hi, M-Molly. It's m-midnight here and I'm sitting in my hotel room topless. And, erm, that sounds like I'm trying to have phone sex, but that’d be silly when it's just an answer m-machine on the other end. And if it's midnight here, isn't it seven p.m. with you? So m-maybe you're out enjoying yourself, which is fine, it really is.

"N-no, shit, it's five a.m., because I'm five hours behind you, n-not in front and I forgot to phone you at lunch time because I was talking to someone about syphilis. And you've p-put the answer machine on because you kn-knew I'd get it wrong and you didn't want to be woken up in the m-middle of the night. But it was very interesting about the syphilis – it was syphilis in the eighteenth century, obviously – and I thought you m-might know about the toxicity of some of the drugs the m-man mentioned.

"And I'm m-missing you so m-m-much and I didn't actually phone to talk about syphilis, just to say that m-my keynote speech went really well, p-people liked it. But I had some earnest Midwest students come up to me afterwards and ask m-me to explain the joke about the china, and I wasn't sure if I should, if I m-might be corrupting them. They were so young and tall and gorgeous and they looked at m-me as if I was about a hundred and they thought I was wise. One of them asked me for careers advice and all I could think of to say was 'Always back up your work thoroughly and n-never write a book review when drunk', and she sort of edged away after that. But the others just thought I was an English academic and supposed to be eccentric.

"And I'm staying very, very sober: I told Ruth Isaacs about my p-p-problem, m -my addiction, and she's being very fierce with m-me if I so much as look at a glass of wine. Only she thinks I should become a vegetarian too, it would be good for m-me, so that's a bit trickier. And I spilled tomato juice – tomayto juice – down m-my front at dinner, and Ruth said sponging on lemon juice would help, so I'm doing that n-now, which is why I'm topless, because I've only just got back from the bar after dinner. But I haven't been drinking, I p-promise, just talking to p-people, I mean other delegates, not n-normal people.

"And I've heard so m-many fascinating p-papers today, and I'm exhausted, but I kn-know I won't be able to sleep for a bit, because I'm still on a high, and, and, and I m-miss you, and there are two hundred historians here and n-not you. And if you were here I could take you round New York, and talk about the twentieth-first century, n-not just the eighteenth, and we could go and see a show together, you'd like that.

"And I'll try and phone tomorrow when you're awake, because I don't want gorgeous college girls with carefully straightened teeth, I want you. And I wish I could be with you right now, because you'd be warm and cosy in bed and I could cuddle up to you. And n-not talk about convents in p-pre-revolutionary France - even though they are very interesting - but tell you how sweet and sexy you are. So m-maybe you should phone m-me tomorrow and talk to m-me about what you're doing in bed, only I'll have to have my phone switched off in the sessions, and, and I've probably filled up the answer m-m-machine, and what really m-matters is that the conference ends on Friday and that I love you and always will do. Bye."


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 18th, 2011 01:44 pm (UTC)
I'm sure Molly enjoyed it when she woke up.
Dec. 19th, 2011 12:31 pm (UTC)
I just hope Molly's answerphone is not like mine, which gives just enough rings before switching to the answerphone to wake you up anyhow. Though maybe Molly is a heavier sleeper than me, and she's probably resigned to strange and vaguely romantic messages from Harry now.
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 19th, 2011 12:40 pm (UTC)
*Everyone* is taller than Harry - I think mentally I have her at about 5 ft nothing, so even Molly is three inches taller. But I am rather pleased with the icon. I just wonder if Series 2 is going to show us what Harry really looks like!

I'm sure Harry could cope with being your platonic girlfriend, but I think an orgy would not be a good move. I hate to say it, but she might not get turned on by DI Lestrade (not all lesbians are). And I also think she's be uncomfortable about an orgy generally - expecting it to be like picking sports teams at school, when she always got picked last (naturally). I think your best bet would be to invite her along to a seminar group discussing the history of deviancy, which suddenly included some active learning exercises. ;-)

Dec. 18th, 2011 10:19 pm (UTC)
I hope she did explain the joke about the china! Country Wife reference, or a different sort of china altogether?

my resistance to the idea of Harry Watson is almost as strong as yours to Charles in XMFC, but I do like your version of her, especially with Molly.

*beams at fluffy historian!fic*
Dec. 19th, 2011 12:50 pm (UTC)
The china is a Country Wife reference (well spotted). I don't know exactly what the joke was, or how funny it really was, but this is a conference paper, not stand-up, the standards aren't that high.

I do sometimes worry I'm being too sentimentally upbeat about Harry getting over her drink problem. But on the other hand, we fans are quite prepared to believe that Sherlock is an ex-addict, so I don't see why some other people can't do it as well. And I hope it's always clear that it is hard work for Harry staying sober, even though she has enough sense to recruit people to help her.

There will be a few more bits of fluffy historian fic in the next two weeks, because I've got some Harry 221Bs lurking as well. But if S2 shows Molly unattached again, I don't know whether I'll be able to retcon that, so it may have to be the end of them ;-(.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )